Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Some Chickens Should Probably Be on Zoloft.

I had a rough day.  I was all set to vent about it here, say a few rants about my significant other, and get out all the anger and frustration I was feeling all day long.  I'm over it now.  Granted, I've still got a lot of things going on in my head, and I wish that Mike would not automatically assume that anything that puts me in an off mood is about our relationship.  We argued practically all day today and most of last night about whether or not I needed space.  He's trying to spend less time with me because he thinks that is what I want or need and I stubbornly said that he was wrong about a million times.  He was taking it a little to the extreme, though, to the point that we wouldn't even be spending nights together anymore (and yes, the fact that it would mean we wouldn't be having sex crossed my mind).
So, I'm sitting here in my chair in my dark room with one candle lit. Honestly, this is a miracle in itself, because this chair is usually covered in laundry - either folded or unfolded...or both.  The house is completely silent.  I don't have to converse with anyone.  I don't have to go to bed because I want to snuggle with Mike before we go to sleep.  I don't remember the last time I had this.  I can just sit here and be in my own head...and I'm realizing that on some (very tiny, minuscule) level that Mike was right.  I know in my heart of hearts that I don't need any less time with him, but I definitely needed some quiet.  Some "me time".  I feel like I have hundreds of things on a very small plate that I am worried about.  I get overwhelmed easily most of the time.  Being alone helps me hear MY voice and get mentally organized.  God, I feel so reactive.  I am the human version of (pardon the pun) a chicken running around with its head cut off.  Circle after circle...squawking away...running into things...making a lot of noise but not really accomplishing anything.
Somehow I need to get over myself and learn to recognize when I need that alone time...and ask for it.  I also need reassurance (through action, not words) that Mike will not get upset and take it to heart if I do need it.  It doesn't mean that I am having any kind of second thoughts about us or where we are headed.

Tomorrow I begin the task of my personal to-do list.  It has nothing to do with any kind of goals that I am trying to set for myself.  Just run-of-the-mill (sort of) everyday tasks that adults have to deal with that I am totally slacking on, yet I continue to worry about.
1. I have to get my truck re-registered. No big deal. I just have to make sure I can get the illegal smog from the guy I got it from last year, pay out my ass for it, and truly...I need to have this done by Friday morning preferably.  Then I have to go to the DMV no later than Saturday morning and hopefully register my truck without any problems.  All while trying to not miss any of my 40 hours of work.  Plus, I do not need another reason for the police to pull me over.
2.  The other reason police would pull me over: an unpaid ticket that went to warrant.  It's a shitload of money to pay off.  I'm tired of being afraid to drive anywhere in the vicinity of a police officer.  I see police and my heart literally palpitates.  I shake.  I was informed that in order to renew my license (which has to be done by my birthday), I have to take care of this issue.  Why?
3. My license is suspended. Yep. I'm a walking driving criminal.  Here's the best part!  After I take care of all the ridiculous fines, in order to get my license back, I have to retake my driving test.  I'm 31 years old and I have to retake my driving test. That makes me throw up a little in my mouth.
4. I've decided to finish what I started 2 years ago and go back to massage school.  (My mind keeps telling me that something is going to happen, it's going to get fucked up, and I'm not going to be able to finish...just like last time) I now have to find time to get my grant paperwork done, call the school and probably go in for some meetings with my registrar.  All while trying to not take time off work because my vacay time is negative, because the brother to the above warrant had me in jail about a month ago for several days.
5. Which makes me worry that I might not have enough vacation time to take the vacation that I am supposed to take with Mike and the kids at the end of July.  We're going to Utah for a long weekend to drive Mike's youngest son Adam back home and to get away.
6. Which makes me worry about the fact that I am going to have Adam and Mike in my house for a few weeks.  Not because I don't want them staying here, but because I want to make sure everything is perfect for Adam and that he is comfortable.  Then I wonder if the kids are going to get along...
DL is suspended because I have a warrant.
8. I need brakes on my truck.  BADLY.  By now I probably need brakes and rotors.  I need to pay my fix-it guy to do this.  I need to have said money to pay said fix-it guy. I need to have one day out of one weekend that is not scheduled, in order to have this done.
9. Oh yeah...along with all of that, I'm planning a wedding in my head.  Yep. In my head.  I don't have a ring yet.  There is a date and venue picked, though. lol. And a wedding dress.

So, while I was stressing over some stuff today, Mike was thinking that it has everything to do with our relationship and whether or not I want him around...which sent me into full on freak out mode.  So bad that I almost cried at work out of sheer frustration.  I do it to myself.  

I seriously cannot believe that I haven't put myself in a loony bin by now.

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