Ugh. My heart hurts. It could be the free pizza I had for lunch, but it's most likely the results of my daily stalking. That's right. I'm a Facebook stalker. I readily admit it. Breaking up does not make this compulsion stop. I have been frequenting C1's wall since the breakup, even though he deleted me as a friend. I was also checking out the comments he was leaving on other people's walls/statuses...it's what I do. There had been little activity until today. I actually found myself worrying about him, wondering if he was completely heartbroken...
I guess I don't need to worry about that. Seems as though he might have already moved on...or, given his lifestyle, had started moving on before we broke up. I was wondering why that fucking chick that I didn't want to be friends with in the first place (he "suggested" that she befriend me) deleted me at practically the same time he did. And she's got a cute little picture as her profile pic...a man and woman's legs wrapped around each other with the words "Luvin U" on it. How cute. That's the kind of shit that C1 and I did when we were being loving. She also is friends with C1's wife, evidently. They should all be happy together. C1 likes his women needy and preferably with some sort of health problem. It makes them dependent on him. He likes to "take care of" his women...meaning, he likes to baby them. Plus, them being a little different makes him not feel so weird, I'm sure. He's not so normal either. So...him, the woman with mental disorders, the woman with MS, and the woman who lives in another country and is also a virgin...that's the stuff that "B" rated movies are made of right there people! Thank you, but I'll wait for it to come out on video.
Which really brings me to the topic of my blog: BITTERNESS
I had the idea to write about the stages of grief yesterday, while I was rocking out to Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know". It's the quintesential break up song, isn't it? My favorite part is "when someone runs their nails all down my back I hope you feel it..." or whatever the fuck she says. We all know the line and I don't really feel like looking up the exact lyrics. So, my research on the stages of grief led me to a website, where there was an article on the 6 Stages of A Breakup. It hit home in a big way. These are the stages that were listed:
Stage One and Stage Two are unimportant. If you want the breakdown of these, go read the article. It's humorous. I've passed these stages and they happen before the actual breakup, so I'm skipping them.
Stage Three: The Crappy Part
This explains itself. It's the part where you feel like your life is over. This stage is marked by extensive crying, listening to songs that remind you of your ex, sleeping with things that smell like them, and wondering how the hell your life is supposed to go on. Let's see...C1 broke up with me on Sunday night...this stage lasted exactly 3 days for me. I think they kind of melt into each other actually, these stages. I still feel a twinge of sadness when I hear something or see something that reminds me of him. I'm a loser.
Stage Four: The Rage
I realized yesterday I was in this stage. Alanis helped me with that. "If they don't want to be with me, then that's their problem." That is this stage's motto. "Fucking bastard!". That's another. I honestly thought that I had started to emerge from this bitter state of being this morning when I woke up. Until I saw that he was happy. He's supposed to be devastated...wtf?!
Stage Five: The Crush
The realization that your ex isn't the only one in the world. I already knew this and I think that was one of our biggest problems. (I'm laughing..because it's true) I'm having the amazing E over this weekend. I stopped sleeping with him out of loyalty to C1...he was downright jealous (and had reason to be. C1 will never match up to E in the bedroom department). So let's just say that I have plans to make my way into this stage this weekend...over and over and over again.
Stage Six: FREEDOM
Moving completely the fuck on.
I started this stage just before beginning this blog. I blocked C1, his loco wife, his new sick girlfriend, and the wife's/C1's virginal girlfriend on Facebook. This was for my benefit, although they might see it as a hateful act. When they are blocked, it keeps me from obsessing and going on their pages. It's a coping mechanism.
Plus, he always has this blog if he feels the need to check in on me. I hope he finds happiness in all that complicated mess that he seems to thrive on (see...I told you I was sweet on the inside). But in the spirit of bitterness, I'll leave with this:
To the girls: That thing he's asking you to do in the bedroom that you've never done before, it's probably because I did it. And he'll be thinking about me the whole time.
To C1: I found a website today that you'd be interested in. Buy your own stuff...that thing that your wife picked out for you was butt ugly. And stop being afraid of being who you are. Stop worrying about consequences to telling your family and others about how you live your life, what you like, and the multiple love interests you keep. You're a fucking adult. Honestly, what's the worst that would happen?? They might stop supporting your wife and she'd have to get a real job? Bummer.