Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I may be irresponsible, but I'm a GOOD irresponsible...

I am constantly fighting with myself over being a responsible adult.  I feel like I have this problem more than others.  I completely live in the moment and rarely think about the future.  Or...I think about the future, know the decision I should make, then completely go in the opposite direction.  "Fuck it.  You only live once." This is pretty much my mantra.

Everyday is a mental battle, trying to find the perfect balance of being responsible and irresponsible...all at the same time.  This is my life.  It is slightly funny that I believe it to be possible.  I live in a very large gray area.  We don't have to be one or the other, right?? 

Not that I want to spend my rent money on toys for my sexual satisfaction, like those tots' parents above...although I do know someone that would probably get a bank loan just to extend their collection of various kinky things (they're insane) major bills will be paid.  I wouldn't jeopardize my family's well being on something that I want (I know people who do that too).
I feel guilty when I do something for myself!  Buyer's remorse or whatever it is.  Things are tight, being a single mom with absolutely no help from Loser Dad (kind of like Super Dad, but he wears an invisibility cape and only removes it randomly to ask for money).  Most of the time, my checks are spent before they're even cashed.  During those times when I see that I might have some money to play with (on a larger scale than just buying myself a cheap bottle of wine), I do something just for me.  I deserve it.  I know I do, but then I go through this huge debate with myself on whether it was responsible or not.  There is always something "more responsible" to spend my money on.  Today for instance:  I have an appointment to get the tattoo I've been drooling over for more than a month.  I am supposed to go in on Saturday.  I have already cancelled the appointment, then said "no! forget it...i'll be there".  I hope that I don't continue to do this all week.  Poor guy.  He's dealing with a crazy woman and he hardly knows it.

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