Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Adventures of Mini-Me and Sugar Free!

Mini-Me finally made a friend.  I've been waiting on this day since she started school.  There are plenty of kids who live in our neighborhood and I had faith that she would befriend one of the girls, hopefully before the end of the freakin' school year and hopefully not one of those shady little bitches that I wouldn't mind "accidentally" running over with my truck.  But enough about me and my fantasies of killing little brats...(I kid! I kid!)
I had been noticing the last few weeks that Mini-Me had been spending more time with one particular girl.  She was sweet and polite.  Her and Mini-Me had become inseparable.  I came home Wednesday night, a
That's just pure sweetness, isn't it?
little anxious because I wanted to make sure I had everything for dinner on Thanksgiving.  The house was a wreck.  Sugar Free all but forced Mini-Me to help me clean the living room, so when they bombarded me with their plan of a spend-the-night, I was feeling generous.  "Of course she can spend the night!".  We then went through the formalities of me meeting her mom, getting her number, etc.  She was a nice lady.  She's a single mom, too.  We chatted about the brats in the neighborhood.  Never ONCE did she mention that this was Sugar-Free's first sleepover...EVER.  That would be a nice side-bar, don't you think?  "Hey...just letting you know, Sugar-Free has never spent the night away from home..."
Anyway, the girls were getting along splendidly.  We settled in to watch Prince of Persia with everyone and stuff our faces with the platter of various sugary items that Mike had brought over.  Mike's son and my kids dug in like the Gremlins they are, but Sugar Free sat in the corner, practically hiding behind the couch.  Mini-Me and I urged her to take a cookie.  Suddenly, Sugar Free became that child that will only communicate through their friend.  Amongst hands covering ears and whispers behind my couch, Mike and I were informed by Mini-Me that Sugar Free's mom doesn't like her to have sugar at night.  She is not allowed to have more than 50g a day.  At this point, I'm thinking, "Well I don't see your mom anywhere...have a fucking cookie."  I insist that it's ok to have one cookie, that she's at my house and I don't mind.  She asks how many grams of sugar are in the one cookie, like I know that shit by heart.  Have you seen my ass?  I don't pay attention to how much sugar is in ANYTHING.  So, I ask Mike..."Honey, how many grams of sugar are in each cookie?".
"Five.  So you can have 10 cookies!!"
Have I mentioned how awesome he is?  He and I cracked up.  Then, Little Miss Sugar-Free stands up and Mini-Me announces that she is going home.  She doesn't want to spend the night anymore.  Sugar-Free is scared.  Whatever.  It's not like we were trying to give her crack or anything.

She was back the next day...first thing in the morning.  Did I mention she has my phone number?  She calls it constantly.  Her mom was working on Thanksgiving, so I graciously invited her to eat with us.  She hung out most of the day, except of course during the time that Mini-Me and her were not friends anymore...for about 10 minutes.  Seems Mike's son and Mini-Me were playing a little game of lock Sugar-Free in the bathroom.  Mini-Me and I had to have a little talk about what a pussy her friend is and that she can't play with her like she does her brother.  She sat silently through me asking what she wanted on her plate.  I got head shakes of yes and no.  She wouldn't drink anything...not even water.  I had mentioned that I was going to make her mom a plate, so I wasn't very surprised when she comes marching out of Mini-Me's room stating that her mom wants "everything".  This girl must be bi-polar!  First, she won't speak to anyone, then she's Miss Bossy Brat from Hell.  I fixed her mom a plate like a good minion should, then gladly sent Mini-Me over to spend the night.  She ended up staying over there two nights in a row, but they went back and forth between houses all day long, ALL WEEKEND.  Between bouts of "I'm not her friend!" and "I want to go see Sugar-Free!" and "Is Mini-Me there?  Can I talk to her?", I didn't think I was going to get away from this girl.  At one point I had forbidden Mini-Me to play with Sugar-Free because they were doing what all kids do when they spend too much time together...fight.  A lot.  We went most of Sunday without any interaction between the two.  Things were calm.  Then, I come home to this last night:
"Sugar-Free's mom HATES ME!!!!!!!"

I tried to get a straight answer out of Mini-Me, but it wasn't happening.  Evidently, Sugar Free's mom told Mini-Me she needed to go home.  Mini-Me swears up and down that her and Sugar-Free weren't fighting.
Yeah right.
I told Mini-Me that she can't play with Sugar-Free until the weekend.  We'll see how long that lasts.  Sugar-Free called my phone a couple times last night...I didn't pick up.  I'm sure she probably called my mom's phone too...somehow she ended up with that number. Sheesh.  I also didn't mention that over the weekend she tried to talk Mini-Me into swindling me out of half a pie that my mom made.  Sugar-Free my ass!

Side note:  Do you know how hard it is to find pictures of little girls fighting?  There are none.  I did, however, find tons of grown naked women mud wrestling.

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