Can't Christmas trees take themselves down?!

I was eyeing my tree last night.  It is already becoming a dried, shriveled up mess.  It's sad, really.  I like leaving my tree up until the new year, but I don't know if it will make it that long.  I think the only negative to having a real tree is the task of taking everything off, then having to dispose of it.  I will probably also have the pleasure of taking our office tree to be recycled (can a tree that has ugly red icicle tinsel all over it be recycled??), as I am the only one with a truck.  Yay.  That tree is definitely being taken down this week.  Mine will be coming down on the 1st, unless I get all productive on my day off and take it down the day before.

Speaking of New Year's Eve, I've resolved to spend mine at home this year.  I have a great view of the Strip from my house, so I'll be able to watch fireworks, have champagne in my brand new flutes that I got on clearance over the weekend and ring in what is sure to be the most awesome year ever with a kiss from my love...all in my pajamas, if I so choose.  Oh...and I'll have caviar, because my mother re-gifted me some that she got from her landlord (I see myself having a taste, then getting rid of it. I seem to remember not liking it, but I can't remember).  I suppose I should get some fancy pajamas or something, because I don't want to be too under dressed. There will also be some sort of Festival of Meat and caloric intake going on in my home as well.  Mike is becoming a pescatarian and will continue his triathlon training next year, so evidently he wants to eat as much red meat as possible on NYE.  We're talking a huge roast, stuffed with steak, wrapped in bacon kind of carnage.  Not really, but...close.  We'll hike some of it off the next day.  I, however, am not cutting out meat...EVER.  Sometimes a girl just needs some semi-cooked flesh on a plate, even if it is only a few ounces of it.
I am so excited to begin a new year.  I feel like I just kind of skated through 2010 without actually accomplishing anything as far as goals are concerned.  That will change next year.  I have several things that I want to do for myself and my family...all of which I will post here, but I'm still reflecting and coming up an actual "To Do" list.
So, what are some of the things in store for this chicken in 2011?

If you would like to participate with me, go to
 http://wholelivingdaily.wholeliving.com/2010/12/get-ready-for-2011-change-your-life-in-four-weeks.html

That's just a taste.  2011 is going to be EPIC.  What are you going to do?

You're a mean one, Mrs. Chicken...

There have been crazy things happening this week.  I blame it on the full moon/lunar eclipse/winter solstice combo.  Mike doesn't believe me.  I'm happy today, for reasons I'll get into, but ever since let's say...Sunday, I've pretty much felt like the Grinch.  Not because I was hating on Christmas.

I have generally been in a cranky sort of mood for no reason what-so-ever.  In fact, Mike is this cute cuddly little baby with a big head kissing all over me, the green ugly monster with the heart that is two sizes too small and whose soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of rubbish imaginable, mangled up in tangled up knots.  Cute and sweet, isn't he? (judging by the pink on the socks, I'd say this baby is a girl, but whatever)  Mike loves me in spite of myself, which always seems to hit me over the head like a ton of bricks.  He loves all of me.  The cranky, unemotional, do what I say and keep your mouth shut, I love you but I'm glad you're going home, burping, stressed-out, inattentive, quiet, bottling up her feelings me that I let out every so often (or on a daily basis, depending on who you ask).  Especially when the moon is full and the world is swirling with weird ju ju.  He hasn't been himself either and our communication has been so-so.  I think he may have needed a little more attention than normal and my mood wasn't allowing me to see that. 

All I really saw was this. He's choking the shit out of me, isn't he?? No. Not really. I don't think he was being as clingy as he thought.

He is awesome and for whatever reason, our moods were not meshing well.  I guess I was feeling like I wanted some alone time.  He was supposed to come over Monday, but because of an emergency, he wasn't able to.  I don't think I was glad, per se, but he picked up on the fact that I wasn't extremely upset.  He was a little hurt by that.  We had a tiff.  Anyways...I'm feeling a lot less Grinch-like today...I love him, he loves me, blah blah blah...we're all good now.  Except, he's leaving for Utah for the weekend and needs to get laid before (it's so cute that he won't just come out and say "do me"), but I'll take care of that tomorrow! Hehehe.

 
That whole weirdness between Mike and I was only a part of the craziness that has ensued this week.  It's been raining out here for days.  Rain in the desert makes for crazy drivers and bitchy people.  You would think, with most of the people here being implants from somewhere else, that they would know how to drive in the rain...evidently they forget as soon as they enter the Las Vegas valley.  My truck broke down yesterday morning.  Luckily, it was only a serpentine belt, didn't cost me a whole butt-load of money, and I had many people that helped me out when I needed it.  I still have Christmas shopping to do, but I'm not stressed out about it.  I do my best under pressure and I'm convinced I will get it all done by Christmas Eve.  I wish I had Mike's gift ready so he could take it with him to Utah...maybe I can get it done tonight if the weather isn't too bad.  We'll see.  A friend at work was an emotional wreck yesterday because her friends mother died suddenly.  All these issues, including my truck, are nothing I have come to realize.  Yesterday, two of our fellow Castlettes lost most or all of their belongings to flooding.  They work for our other office in Mesquite, UT. One of our ladies lost her home completely.  A levy broke and her house, with everything in it including Christmas presents for her grandkids and personal belongings, were swept away.  Another's house was flooded, but she was able to save some of her things.  Hearing stories like this about people you actually know puts things into perspective.  I have so many things to be thankful for in my life.  And I am so lucky that things are going well for me.
Lastly, right in the middle of my stressful day, I got a surprise package from my grandmother.  Remember me saying that I wanted to collect odd/creepy Santas?  Well, she sent me one and it is AWESOME.  She also sent me a magnet for my fridge.  It reads: S.L.U.T.S - Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress
It's great, came at the perfect time, and just like she says, it's totally me.  My grandmother thinks I'm a big slut.  So what!  She's right.

5 White Gold or Platinum Rings!!!!

I know.  I skipped the fourth day of Christmas.  You'll get over it, I'm sure.  I was going to write earlier this week, but I couldn't come up with anything.  I've been distracted.  More like, majorly distracted.  Christmas is coming and, being the procrastinator that I am, I am still not done shopping.  I love buying presents for people and it always disappoints me when I can't buy someone absolutely everything that I want to get them.  One day I will.  I just need to remind myself that there are many people that cannot afford to get anything at all for their children or loved ones, so the few small things that I am able to provide are a blessing.  Yeah, I'm all fucking Pollyanna up in this shit. I'm positive even when I'm hurt.  It drives Mike nuts, I think.
I'm really anxious to just get through Christmas.  It will be nice to have a four-day weekend and that might be what I am most looking forward to.  A nice long weekend of doing nothing but playing on the Wii that I got the kids for Christmas.  I just saw a commercial for Zumba for the Wii and I totally want it!  No...I didn't just get the kids a Wii because I wanted one!  Not really...

I won't have Mike on Christmas this year, which makes me sad.  Not emo, "what's the point in celebrating" sad, but sad enough.  We've gotten quite serious and I am so glad I get to ring in the New Year with him.  I have a feeling that 2011 is going to be awesome and I'm ready to get it started!
This weekend he gets to meet my co-workers.  He'll also get to see a different side of me, which will be fun...or completely scare him away...we'll see.  I promise that I will write a better life update on Sunday, after I've had a weekend full of activity...but for now, it's just the same 'ol stuff.  Maybe it's my preoccupied mind, like I said.  It's all good, though.  I could definitely be worse. 

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 3 days of sneezing...

and some lights on a Joshua tree!

My weekend started out with a cold.  Actually, I've felt sick all week, but the worst days were Friday and Saturday.  I had a weekend without Mike and I have to admit it was a bit lonely.  I missed him terribly.  At the same time, it gave me a chance to spend some time with my mom and the kids, which is never a bad thing.  I caught myself wanting him with me though...like such simple tasks as making my morning coffee weren't quite complete because he wasn't in the other room.  That's big.  That's huge.  I think he and I have passed huge and gone straight to ginormous, but I think I'll leave that for another time.  For now, that is just between him and I...because some things should be kept that way.  But other than me missing Mike, I did have some things happening this weekend.  Thursday, (why do I always feel like my weekends start with Thursday?) Mike took the kids and I to dinner.  It was so nice.  He was supposed to stay over, since he would be gone over the weekend, but it didn't work out that way.  He ended up having to work late, so we went to Outback near his office in order to spend some time together before he left for Utah.  I also ended up giving him my cold.  Still sorry about that, sweetheart.

Friday was...difficult.  About a year ago, my ex hooked up my cable (former cable guy) and it ended up getting shut off a month ago.  During a random call (I say random because he calls out of the blue and never with an actual reason.) I mentioned that it needed to be turned back on.  Since then, I've been getting excuse after excuse as to why he can't make it "all the way over here".  You would think I lived across the country.  So, anyway, after having to cancel plans with Mike last weekend because Rick was coming over and him never showing up...I was fed up.  I wanted my cable, I wanted him to get his visit in with the kids, and I wanted to be done with the whole thing so he would go away again for a few months.  Selfish of me, but I don't care.  I called and left a message at his mother's house (knowing that he goes there during the day when she's not home), telling him that I would come and pick him up after I got off work so we could get things done.  He called back, I picked him up, and took him back to my house.  It was uncomfortable and awkward.  Maybe it was the little sticky note on the cable wire that said, "I hope I can still turn you on." (get it? like cable, but an innuendo at the same time...ugh. gross.) or maybe it was the completely disgusted feeling that I get when I have to be in the same room with him.  Probably all of the above.  Autumn was happy, though, so I endured several hours of his horrible jokes...and the fact that he had to confirm with me what grades his children were in and how old they were.  How the fuck did I put up with that for 10 long years?  When he was about to give me an excuse about his ride not being able to come get him and that he would just stay at my place, I drew the line.  I told him to get his things, that I would drop him off wherever he wanted.  I took him to his friends house, declined an invitation to hang out, and got the hell out of there.  The kids were even glad to see him go at that point.  He had overstayed his welcome, which is something he does a lot...my friends who know him can attest to that.  I told my mom about it the next day and was so thankful that I finally met the person that I am supposed to be with.  Everything that I have been through led me to Michael and I wouldn't change it for anything.  She and I both agreed that I have such a great man now...but we all know her opinion of Mike, right?  She's glad to finally see me happy.
Later that night, I was online and got an IM from SportsBabe.  I've mentioned her before.  She is also friends with C2.  She wanted to catch up and hear all about Mike.  She also wanted to tell me all about her new beau.  They have also had kind of a whirlwind romance, like Mike and I, so we compared notes and gushed about our men.  They are planning on getting married next year.  Then she blurts out with, "Yeah! We're having a big party to celebrate our engagement at C2's house in a few weeks! I really want you to be there. You'll come, right?"  And I'm supposed to bring Mike so they can meet.  I'm considering it.  I really do like her and I'd like to keep her as a friend.  Will I be able to get through a night without punching C2 in the mouth?  Maybe.  He was a complete asshole and still is.  The problem with that is that he admits it and doesn't apologize for it.  He basically warned me about it several times, so how can I hold a grudge?  I won't think about it until I actually get an invitation, which knowing SportsBabe, will be less than 24 hour notice.  She has to know he and I haven't spoken at all in months, right?

Saturday I spent in bed.  Literally.  I even missed a lunch date with one of Mike's best friends.  I felt bad, but she was very gracious about me cancelling.  I laid in bed and slept off and on all day, until about an hour before my mother showed up at my house.  We had plans to go out looking at Christmas lights.  We ended up at the holiday cactus garden at the Ethel M Chocolate Factory.  It is basically a bunch of desert vegetation covered in over 500,000 twinkle lights.  It's actually quite beautiful and the pictures I took don't do it justice at all.  I'd like to go back and spend some time there with Mike, sans a boy with pre-teen angst and a daughter who won't stop fighting with her brother.  I was wishing he was there the entire time and I think he was a little sad that he missed it.

Today I felt mostly recovered, except for a stuffy/runny nose.  I rested this morning, then spent my afternoon cleaning the landfill that was Mini-Me's room.  It was disgusting.  It had actually gotten so bad, that I threatened that she would not be able to have Christmas unless it was clean.  I knew it wouldn't get done.  It had become too much for her to do on her own, so I gave in and helped did it all.  I sat tonight and watched a Christmas movie on TV alone.  I always thought of myself as a person who required alone time.  Recently, my alone time is more lonely than anything.
So, tomorrow begins another week.  I get to have Mike tomorrow night and I'm happy for that.  We're going to the theater again on Friday and then we have my company Christmas party to go to on Saturday night.  I'll be glad to finally get to introduce him to some people in my life other than my children and mother.

On the Second Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 2 Creepy Santas!

I like to collect things.  Do I ever really get into it, creating this awesome gathering of items?  NO.  I think I collected stamps when I was younger.  I have some interesting vintage tins in my kitchen that I would like more of.  I have quite the collection of Starbucks coffee mugs.  I have a collection of magazines that I will probably never look at again.  I now have something else I would like to create a half-ass collection of... Creepy Christmas decorations!  Specifically, Creepy Santas.  Here are a few that I found.  I think they are adorable and weird.  Or..."disturbing"...as Tattooed and Organic would say.



I just like them.  They are perfect for me.  I can imagine bringing out my creepy Santas every holiday season and just laughing at their perfectly scary faces.  I'm going to make this the best collection yet!
Mike just mentioned that my Santas look like midgets.  I didn't really get that...if anything I think they are more gnome-like and I kind of have a thing for gnomes, too.  Which, I guess if we're analyzing this, gnomes are small drunk midgets.  Hmmmm.  I might have to ponder this. 

I'm not really sure about this one...he really is kind of frightening, isn't he?

On the First Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: A midget to fulfill a fantasy...

Hehehe.  That title was for Michael.  He was making fun of me for having dirty thoughts about a little person last night.  It's not like it's a fetish of mine...I'm just open to all things :)

So, the holiday season has officially started in my coop.  The tree is up and lit, the smell of cookies fills the air, and the Barbies are being whores because they want the good presents from Santa...

It's a known fact that Santa is jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live, you know.

I found my Ugly Christmas Sweater  in my closet and I'm debating on bringing it out this year.  I skipped the tradition last year...but I'm feeling silly.  I think I will wear it to work, then laugh my ass off when everybody I work with compliments it.  They are the types of ladies that will love my sweater...they really won't understand that I'm being ironic.  Plus, it isn't just a sweater, it's a sweater vest...which makes it even more kick-ass.  I could wear it to the company Christmas party!  That would be hilarious.  I'll make Mike wear one too, because he is weird like me and would totally do it if I asked him too.  Maybe I won't do that to him the first time he meets everyone I work with.  I'm not that evil.  Or am I?  He'll have to endure my singing during karaoke at the Christmas party...that could seriously be considered torture.

The Adventures of Mini-Me and Sugar Free!

Mini-Me finally made a friend.  I've been waiting on this day since she started school.  There are plenty of kids who live in our neighborhood and I had faith that she would befriend one of the girls, hopefully before the end of the freakin' school year and hopefully not one of those shady little bitches that I wouldn't mind "accidentally" running over with my truck.  But enough about me and my fantasies of killing little brats...(I kid! I kid!)
I had been noticing the last few weeks that Mini-Me had been spending more time with one particular girl.  She was sweet and polite.  Her and Mini-Me had become inseparable.  I came home Wednesday night, a

That's just pure sweetness, isn't it?

little anxious because I wanted to make sure I had everything for dinner on Thanksgiving.  The house was a wreck.  Sugar Free all but forced Mini-Me to help me clean the living room, so when they bombarded me with their plan of a spend-the-night, I was feeling generous.  "Of course she can spend the night!".  We then went through the formalities of me meeting her mom, getting her number, etc.  She was a nice lady.  She's a single mom, too.  We chatted about the brats in the neighborhood.  Never ONCE did she mention that this was Sugar-Free's first sleepover...EVER.  That would be a nice side-bar, don't you think?  "Hey...just letting you know, Sugar-Free has never spent the night away from home..."
Anyway, the girls were getting along splendidly.  We settled in to watch Prince of Persia with everyone and stuff our faces with the platter of various sugary items that Mike had brought over.  Mike's son and my kids dug in like the Gremlins they are, but Sugar Free sat in the corner, practically hiding behind the couch.  Mini-Me and I urged her to take a cookie.  Suddenly, Sugar Free became that child that will only communicate through their friend.  Amongst hands covering ears and whispers behind my couch, Mike and I were informed by Mini-Me that Sugar Free's mom doesn't like her to have sugar at night.  She is not allowed to have more than 50g a day.  At this point, I'm thinking, "Well I don't see your mom anywhere...have a fucking cookie."  I insist that it's ok to have one cookie, that she's at my house and I don't mind.  She asks how many grams of sugar are in the one cookie, like I know that shit by heart.  Have you seen my ass?  I don't pay attention to how much sugar is in ANYTHING.  So, I ask Mike..."Honey, how many grams of sugar are in each cookie?".
"Five.  So you can have 10 cookies!!"
Have I mentioned how awesome he is?  He and I cracked up.  Then, Little Miss Sugar-Free stands up and Mini-Me announces that she is going home.  She doesn't want to spend the night anymore.  Sugar-Free is scared.  Whatever.  It's not like we were trying to give her crack or anything.

She was back the next day...first thing in the morning.  Did I mention she has my phone number?  She calls it constantly.  Her mom was working on Thanksgiving, so I graciously invited her to eat with us.  She hung out most of the day, except of course during the time that Mini-Me and her were not friends anymore...for about 10 minutes.  Seems Mike's son and Mini-Me were playing a little game of lock Sugar-Free in the bathroom.  Mini-Me and I had to have a little talk about what a pussy her friend is and that she can't play with her like she does her brother.  She sat silently through me asking what she wanted on her plate.  I got head shakes of yes and no.  She wouldn't drink anything...not even water.  I had mentioned that I was going to make her mom a plate, so I wasn't very surprised when she comes marching out of Mini-Me's room stating that her mom wants "everything".  This girl must be bi-polar!  First, she won't speak to anyone, then she's Miss Bossy Brat from Hell.  I fixed her mom a plate like a good minion should, then gladly sent Mini-Me over to spend the night.  She ended up staying over there two nights in a row, but they went back and forth between houses all day long, ALL WEEKEND.  Between bouts of "I'm not her friend!" and "I want to go see Sugar-Free!" and "Is Mini-Me there?  Can I talk to her?", I didn't think I was going to get away from this girl.  At one point I had forbidden Mini-Me to play with Sugar-Free because they were doing what all kids do when they spend too much time together...fight.  A lot.  We went most of Sunday without any interaction between the two.  Things were calm.  Then, I come home to this last night:

"Sugar-Free's mom HATES ME!!!!!!!"

I tried to get a straight answer out of Mini-Me, but it wasn't happening.  Evidently, Sugar Free's mom told Mini-Me she needed to go home.  Mini-Me swears up and down that her and Sugar-Free weren't fighting.

Yeah right.

I told Mini-Me that she can't play with Sugar-Free until the weekend.  We'll see how long that lasts.  Sugar-Free called my phone a couple times last night...I didn't pick up.  I'm sure she probably called my mom's phone too...somehow she ended up with that number. Sheesh.  I also didn't mention that over the weekend she tried to talk Mini-Me into swindling me out of half a pie that my mom made.  Sugar-Free my ass!

Side note:  Do you know how hard it is to find pictures of little girls fighting?  There are none.  I did, however, find tons of grown naked women mud wrestling.

Chickens Drink When They Cook.

Going back to work after a long holiday weekend has to be one of the most horrible things on the face of the planet. Not really, but it is beyond difficult for me to get excited about going back to the normal grind.


My weekend was extremely enjoyable and I think that makes it even harder to shift back into “work mode”. I have “modes”. Evidently, my shifting from one to the other is much more noticeable than I thought. Michael instantly recognizes my shifts, which is almost unnerving. I’m not sure if it makes me more uncomfortable that I wear my emotions so obviously on my face and in my mannerisms or that he has gotten to know me so well in such a short period of time. I take that back. It does not make me uncomfortable that Michael can read me so well. It, like most things he does, warms me from the inside out. We spent most of the weekend together, which like ending a holiday, makes it even more difficult to go back to our normal routine of not seeing each other for days at a time.

Our weekend began on Wednesday night. Michael and one of his sons stayed at my house until Friday morning. Our days together were filled with movies, enough sugar to kill several small children (except Mini-Me’s new friend…she’ll be mentioned in another blog), laughs, a cute little-girl crush, cooking, kisses, conversation, jokes, Nerf guns, my mother, and awesome pie. My mother loves Mike and his son. So much so that she left dinner early. What? Yes. That is what I said. She called me Friday morning to inform me of three things:

1. She had a wonderful time.

2. She left early because she wanted Mike and our families to have more time together. She was unaware that they were spending the night. (She didn’t bring it up at dinner, otherwise I would have told her)

3. She absolutely loves Mike and his son. I think it was the manners that got her. We Southern women are suckers for a “please, thank you, let me get that for you” kind of man. Both he and his son are like that. Oh, and don’t let me forget…"I’m not trying to get ahead of myself or anything, but WHEN you and Mike get married, I realized that both his sons names start with ‘A’, so when his sons become my grandsons, he’s not messing up anything! Isn’t that soooo cool?!” (Its tradition to name each generation of children with the same letter in my family. Both my kids are A’s as well)
OH MY GOD. Did she really just go there?? Did I hear her right?
Thanks mom. Next you’ll tell me that I’m not getting any younger.

I have such a whirlpool of thoughts swirling in my head that I may have to do a blog every day this week, devoting each day to a separate subject. Truly.
I hope everyone had just as much of an amazing weekend as I did. I didn't ruin dinner!  And I didn't get drunk (on Thursday)!  There was a child quote, but now I don’t remember what it was. It was fucking hilarious when I heard it and I told myself to remember it for my blog.  Oh well. I really need to be one of those annoying people that carry a notebook and write down their thoughts and interesting things they hear.

Time to slaughter some turkey, bitches!




Fuck yes! Doesn't he look excited?!  The kid, I mean...

 Yes, it's that time of year again.  Honestly, I can't believe it is already Thanksgiving and getting closer to Christmas everyday.  It may be freaking me out a little.  I am looking forward to many things on this holiday.  First, the long break - obviously.  This work week is only 2 1/2 days for me and I will enjoy the much needed days off to spend with friends and family.  Second, spending Thanksgiving with my mom and boyfriend.  I honestly can't remember how many years it has been since I have spent a Thanksgiving with my mother and having her in Las Vegas now is a great addition to this year's festivities.  Having Mike with us is as well.  He already got to meet my little absent minded mom briefly, not too long ago.  She likes him, he likes her, he likes my accent that magically appears when I talk to her...it will be fabulous.  Third, I will be making dinner this year.  I have not made Thanksgiving dinner for a group since I was with my ex and I am so looking forward to it.  I dreaded holidays with him and having my home bustling with people, feeding them and making them happy, is an amazing gift.  Warmth and love come to mind.  Too bad I don't have a real fireplace.  I had this vision of inviting everyone I knew that didn't have family and didn't have anywhere to go on Thanksgiving over to my house.  It is really a great idea and one year, when I have an actual house and not a small condo...I might just do that.  Or maybe I'll be ambitious next year.  I miss my domestic side.  Mike, poor thing, will get to see my OCD and need for control in full effect...but I guess it's good that we go ahead and get that out of the way.  I really rocked domesticity during the periods where I stayed home with the kids...when I wasn't fully depressed and in my pajamas all day. Heh.  Anyway...

In the spirit of Thanksgiving and conformity (since everyone else is doing it, too), I will list a few things that I am grateful for.  I tend to be an over-positive person and appreciate the little things, so I will try to stick to major things that I am thankful for this year and leave the little chipmunk that I see at work out of the mix.

My home and my job.  In this economy, I am so thankful that I was able to find this job with this group of amazing women.  It also led to me finally finding a home that I am so happy to be in...it is the first time that my kids have had their own rooms in forever and the first time that they have been in a place for more than 1 year since I don't remember when.  I am so glad that I am able to provide them with the stability they deserve.

Mine and my childrens' health. I don't think this needs any explanation.

Mike.  He showed up as Mr. Amazing, out of the blue, just when I was starting to think that there might not be a person in my near future that was meant just for me.  I never really understood that whole "he's my other half" soul mate stuff or when people talk about having an empty space inside or missing pieces or something.  I told myself it was total crap, but hoped that it wasn't every time I felt alone. Then he hugged me, took me to paint pottery, and fit himself right into my puzzle.  I don't think I will ever be the same.

My truck.  It is a beast of a vehicle.  It is ugly (in my eyes, it has character).  It is the most awesome truck ever.  It has given me no problems this year what-so-ever, no matter how much I beat it up and use the shit out of it.  I love that truck.  I am keeping my promise to give her the love and attention she deserves when I get my tax return next year.  Mama's gonna fix that body and make her all pretty again, I swear!

My friends.  That includes the ones that may have come into my life and left again, for whatever reason.  I am an accumulation of everyone that has crossed my path and if they are no longer around me, then hopefully I took away with me the lessons that I was supposed to learn.  But to all my constant friends, I love you.  Some of you I have known for years, but I feel like none of my friendships have blossomed more than they have in the last two years.  You guys make me laugh and my life wouldn't be the same without you.  I still am not sure how I ended up being labeled the wild one (ok. that's a flat-out lie.)  I think it's their fault.  Hehehe.

My mother.  Words cannot express how utterly fantastic it is to have her around.  We spend time together on a weekly basis and I am so glad that she is finding her niche in this city.  She is allowing me the gift of having family around and she is also allowing me to create a life for myself, as an individual, by graciously spending time with the kids when I need it.  We continue to build our mother/daughter relationship and I am thankful that she made the decision to move closer to me.

I think I may just leave it at that.  Those are very generic things to be thankful for, but for very good reasons.  I could have been creative and said vibrators, because beer-drinking Jesus knows that I have gotten good use out of those this year.  Or PBR, booty calls, Red Handed Tattoo Gallery, Facebook, men in general...
But I'm keepin' it clean.  Sort of.  Enjoy your Thanksgiving holiday!  Eat lots of dead animals, mass amounts of pie, get drunk with your family (whether it is for fun or just so you can stand being around them), enjoy your day off, and go topless at least once.  It's an order.  And send good vibes my way that I won't ruin Thanksgiving dinner. (hahaha. i said "vibes")

This one time, I was naked...

I got on Blogger the other day to obsessively check my stats (my page that tells me how many views I'm getting on my blog) and realized 2 things:

A.  I have had over 1,000 total views of my blog since I started it in what, August?  I am amazed!  Thank you.  I realize that some of these are people who may have been searching for a really great place to eat fried chicken in Las Vegas and my blog popped up on their Google search, but who cares?  I have a few loyal followers whom I appreciate very much and it completely supports my narcissistic side that everyone is so interested in the daily goings-on of my whimsical existence.

B.  I haven't written a blog in 10 days.  10 days?!  I am usually good for at least 2 a week!  I haven't quite gotten over my writer's block, I think.  Or it could be that my blog is usually an outlet for me to vent about things and I just haven't felt the need to.  Don't worry...I'm not going to go into some talk about how I can't stop thinking about Michael and how my life has become this cutesy, euphoric state of hearts and sparklies and rainbows....

Oh man, I miss him and his glorious sweet self....but I digress...

I have been told that I need to stick to funny today, so I shall.  My young friend, who I will call Sassy, said she wanted less of the falling in love crap and more of the meeting neighbors naked stuff.  Which led me to remember that I had mentioned that whole situation briefly in passing and never actually told the whole story.  I don't really even know if this story is funny anymore, honestly.  Gosh...I think it was the last time C2 and I actually spent time together...I think.  My mind is totally clouded with Michael. (I know. I can't stop talking about him.)  I had a night to myself and had gone over to C2's house for some drinks and topless swimming.  He has a large backyard with a pool and what I thought were non-nosey, non-existent neighbors.  I arrive, put on my swimsuit bottoms, parade right into the backyard (while C2 was making me a margarita) and dive into the pool.  Ahhhhhh.....I love swimming...I adore topless swimming.  I pop my head up and open my eyes, at which time I'm greeted by his neighbor popping his head over the back wall and watching me!  I was slightly taken aback!  I'm treading water in the middle of the pool, crossing my arms over my chest, as he introduces himself.  His name is Manny.  He asks me if I just bought the house and how much I paid for it.  I said it was my friend's house, that yes, it was a foreclosure...
"You're not topless, are you??"
Ummmmm....what do I say, here?  I should have said yes.  I know that now.  He probably would have left me alone.  I told him no. LOL.  He apologized for popping his head over and went back to his side of the wall.  I swam over to the side of the pool and was processing the whole thing, when, hello! Manny pops his head back over....
to introduce me to his friend.
I can imagine the conversation that went on in those 2 measly minutes.
"Dude. It was a chick in the pool and she's totally topless."
"No way!"
"Yes! Come look!"
"Are you fucking with me, man?"
"No! I swear! I met her!"
Luckily, I was still against the side of the pool, but at this point I pretty much said fuck it.  I had my arms out of the pool, hanging on the side, and carried on a nice conversation with the guys.  By the end, I had an open invitation to his house...he lives alone in that big house (he managed to work that into the conversation like 4 times).  And if I ever need absolutely anything...I can come to him.  Topless, of course.
They left, C2 came out with my drink, and I told him what happened.  I probably should have gotten out of the pool and gone over to Manny's house.  They enjoyed my toplessness, were much cuter than C2, and weren't complete assholes.  Oh well.

In a complicated twist today, I got a text from C1's wife.  All it said was "Hello".  On all days, it has to be the day that my phone isn't working because I haven't paid my bill.  This means that, strangely, I can get texts, but can't respond.  It seems like a cruel joke being played on me by the universe.  I knew I should have gone at lunch and made my payment.  What the hell does SHE want?  I don't know if I should even answer her.

So, tomorrow night I have Sailor Girl's birthday party to go to.  That should provide at least 1 or 2 good stories.  We also have Thanksgiving coming up next week...that's exciting.  Mike is meeting my mom for the first time, we're being all domestic and cooking dinner together, and I'm sure there will be a good kid quote in the mix somewhere.  Kid's faces say so much...especially the mouth part of the face. 
Updates to come soon, I assure you.

Cheap wine does wonders for writer's block.

Unfortunately, I don't have any, so I have been blocked.  I can't get the words out.  If I do somehow get words out, they don't sound right or it isn't exactly what I wanted to say.  Tonight I was able to tell someone exactly what they needed to hear.  "Regardless of where you are supposed to end up, where you are right now is exactly where you are supposed to be...for one reason or another".  Or something to that extent.  Astonishingly enough, these were the words that I have been trying to find for days.
This is exactly where I am supposed to be.
More importantly, This is exactly WHO I am supposed to be WITH.
I came to this realization days and days ago (I realize things way before I act on them).  There was another party that was slightly interested in getting to know me (other than Mr. Amazing).  I didn't mention him because (not to be rude), he was insignificant.  We began talking around the time that I met Mr. Amazing.  I never made the time to get to know him.  I didn't want to.  I was even honest and told him this.  He wanted to meet and I said I couldn't talk to him anymore - that I was dating someone else and ready to stop looking.  I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth (Actually, I typed them out. I had never even made the time to talk to this guy on the phone!)  This chicken, for the last two years, has had in the back of her mind that there is something better coming.  That whomever I was with wasn't it...that they were only stepping stones to someone else. Sorry guys.  Have you ever seen the movie "Practical Magic"? If you haven't, then I may dis-own you.  In the movie, Sally writes out a spell protecting herself from finding love.  She creates a list of traits for her perfect person, knowing that it is impossible that this person could ever exist.  I did this.  Not literally, but I was beginning to think that the kind of man I truly wanted (which seemed to be an impossible list of traits) didn't exist - that I would have to settle for just somebody or be alone forever.  In the end of the movie, of course the man she dreamt up when she was a child does really exist, he breaks the curse on her family, and she knows happiness like she never thought possible.
Michael (Mr. Amazing) is creating a happiness for me that I never thought possible.  I feel lit up from the inside when I am near him or when I hear his voice.  Something physically changes in me.  I cannot stop smiling.  I laugh like only my sister can make me laugh.  Yes, it is still new and we are still learning about one another...but something in me knows this is right.  I still ask myself how I found him, why he was brought to me, why? why? why?...in a series of questions that can't be explained, except for this reason only...that it was supposed to happen.  I am where I am supposed to be with who I am supposed to be with.
So, now I am in a relationship.  Mr. Amazing is my boyfriend.  I like the name Michael better.  It rolls off my tongue.  I will probably use both names.  This may mean that this blog may take a bit of a turn, but that doesn't mean much.  This may mean that I have delayed my spinsterhood a few years, but who knows.  I am living in the now.  Now is with Michael, who is still "wooing" me.  Who had wine and lit candles in his bedroom after our date on Saturday.  Who made me breakfast and thanked me for letting him take care of me.
I won't be the girl who just makes out a huge list of why her man is perfect in every way (#1: We should change his name to Mr. Does Amazing Things With His Hands).  I am tired, getting blocked up again, and feel like I am not making my point.  I had other things I wanted to talk about, but that shall become Part Two or a separate blog all together.  I promise I have other things going on and I can think of things to talk about other than a man.  I swear.  I am starting to believe that late night, half asleep babbling that could be slightly mistaken for writing is a bit like writing drunk.

Halloween and Other Treats: A Weekend of Goofy Grins

I don't know where to begin when talking about my weekend.  I feel like I celebrated Halloween for an entire week and I'm quite over the holiday now.  I'm surrounded by Halloween decorations at work and I don't have that usual feeling that I get of wanting to stretch out the merriment as long as possible.  Not to say that I didn't have a good Halloween...I had a great one.  I'm just ready to move on to what's next.  We're in that part of the year when the last few months fly by; Thanksgiving will be here in a few weeks, then shortly after Christmas and New Year's Eve.  I feel like I should reflect, but we'll do that in another blog during the months to come.

My weekend began on Thursday with a visit to Mr. Amazing's home.  We had a movie date that both of us were extremely excited about and it was practically perfect, just as he is turning out to be.  I arrived right after work and he had my favorite bottle of wine waiting (he scored MAJOR points with that).  We talked comfortably as usual, ordered food from an excellent Mediterranean restaurant (shish kabob and hummus. yum.), and watched Paranormal Activity (because I had never seen it).  It came time for me to go and I didn't want to leave (I find myself feeling that way every time I'm around him now, which was several times this weekend), but I had to relieve my mother of her babysitting duties.  Friday, we made plans to go to the drive-in to see a double feature of PA2 and Devil.  We camped out with sleeping bags and blankets in the bed of my truck, watching movies, then making out like teenagers.  I forgot what fun it was to see a movie and not be able to really explain or remember what any of it was about.  We stayed until the end of the second showing of PA2, which had me back at his place at about 1:30am.  I left at 9am, again, only because my mother had so graciously watched the kids and I felt bad for leaving her there all night.  I was actually worried she would be mad, but I got home and my house was clean, she probed like mothers do, then told me she was glad that I am happy.  (The irresponsible part of me had wished I'd stayed a little longer at Mr. Amazing's)  He has mentioned in his blog that he can't explain the smile that I give him.  I had the same issue with explaining just the way he makes me feel, until I was on my way home Saturday morning.  It was a beautiful fall morning, the sun was shining, I had barely any sleep, and I couldn't stop smiling.  I don't think he could be any sweeter or more of a gentleman...he is a good man...and he makes me feel ADORED.  That is the word.  Even if he actually doesn't adore me (yet), he makes me feel like I am and it is wonderful.  He came over last night and stayed at my place.  We still have not had sex (ok...there hasn't been "intercourse") and I am ok with that.  Most of my relationships start hot and heavy right from the beginning, but they fizzle out faster than they started it seems.  Slow is good.  A fire that starts as a smolder and grows slowly in intensity is the kind of fire that lasts for a while.  The kind that warms your entire body down to the core...

The rest of my weekend was spent with the kids, hanging out and enjoying the holiday.  We watched a marathon of Ghost Adventures on Saturday night and yesterday we had a lazy day, prepping for the trick-or-treating that was to come later in the evening.  I was a witch, Autumn was a vampire, and Anthony was a "dead scientist that had gotten blown up during an experiment".  That kid is always so detailed with his descriptions.  Anthony had mentioned wanting to go trick-or-treating with his friends this year.  I think I have permanently lost him for Halloween from now on.  His friend came to pick him up early in the evening and he went with that family and a bunch of other boys.  Autumn and I had a great time, though.  We got dressed, waited somewhat patiently for the sun to set, then headed out.  We walked down the street to a neighborhood that was almost completely dead, but we ended up getting a great tip on another neighborhood that really gets into its Halloween festivities.  We drove over, walked around, Autumn was having an amazing time, and was frankly hilarious.  She has my sense of humor, what can I say.  There was a street party going on with a haunted house and a mad doctor that was giving out beer to the parents and candy to the kids.  We finished early, with enough time to get her showered and ready for bed before Mr. Amazing came over.  Anthony ended up spending the night with his friends.  Luckily, I think I have a few more years of hanging with Autumn before she too would rather be with buddies than with mom.  I'll take it while I can.  This morning while I was in the shower, she woke up, sifted through her candy, and laid out a pile of my favorites on my bed.  It came with a little note that read, "Hope you in joy. From: Autumn".  Sweetness.

Thought Stew: Simmering Bits of Randomness

I woke up wanting to write this morning.  I feel like I've lost steam lately and my blogs have been mediocre at best.  Here are some chunky bits that have been simmering in the cauldron of my mind:

Warning: The following subject matter may be uncomfortable for certain male subjects.  "Girly Talk" in progress.
There is a reason that Brazilian waxes are called Brazilians - in my case it is because I would literally be getting rid of a rain forest in said area.  You can tell how much a woman (mainly of the single variety) is having sex by how well she is groomed.  Not only just having sex, but thinking about sex.  I change my opinion...this goes for all women, as I am not just talking about the bikini area.  If a woman, married or not, has not shaved her legs or has thought to herself, "well...I could probably go one more day without shaving under my arms...nobody is going to see anyway", she is not even remotely thinking about getting laid.  There is also something about the chill in the air and the beginning of pants season that brings this on as well, I think.  I was having a little time with myself last night (yes. I mean masturbating. everyone does it and if they don't, then they should.) and I was like, "what the fuuuuuck!".  How did I not notice that this was going on?  Have I been that distracted?  When was the last time I actually took the time to make sure I was all pretty and stuff down there?  When was the last time I thought about sex??  I can probably reference my blog or my Facebook page to answer that question, but seriously....the term "out of control" comes to mind.  Let's just say I took care of the situation, in more ways than one.  Speaking of Brazilian waxes, I've always wanted to get one.  There is a place near my work and my home called The Pretty Kitty...I just love that name.  If I can get a tattoo, I can certainly handle hot wax in my genital area.  I think.

Next subject.

This picture freaks me out a little.  I love it.  I hate that holidays are so commercialized now.  Why can't we go back to this kind of Halloween?  Where scary was the point, not dressing up as a fucking Power Ranger or Hannah Montana!  These kids would scare the shit out of me if they came to my door for candy.
I was also reminded by Mr. Amazing that Christmas is around the corner, while we were speaking of commercialized celebrations.  Thank you, Mr. Amazing.  Thoughtful gifts are what I am all about, not how much things cost.  I am not very materialistic by nature either, so it pains me when my kids make out Christmas lists that include ridiculously expensive things.  I have no problem bringing their little heads out of the clouds and telling them there is no fucking way they are getting every single game system, video game, Ipod, computer, really cool toy that does a million things that they will play with for a week then throw into the bottom of their closet with the rest of the crap they've ever gotten on that outrageous list.  Be glad I am not knitting you homemade sweaters (which I would totally do if I could knit) and giving you stockings full of granola and certificates stating that there is now a star with your name on it.  Lets just go look at some really cool lights on a stranger's house and call it a great day, ok?  And no, I'm not putting the "Christ" back in Christmas.  (Holy shit.  Maybe I should change my name to Scrooge.)  We'll save this rant for December.

Speaking of Mr. Amazing, we have a little movie date tomorrow, which I am ecstatic about.  A scary movie and some snuggling on the couch? Perfection.  We talked last night on the phone and I still find it great that for two introverts, we sure do find a lot to talk about with each other.  He makes me smile.  I read his blog and I am inspired.  Yet he calls me Muse.  Oh...and he already said that he is my bitch.  Score!  He better be glad I am not a girl that will completely take advantage of that (I only will a little).

Lastly, the hammer has come down at work.  We are no longer allowed to Facebook, play games, etc while at work.  This also includes blogging, I'm sure.  Sssshhhh...don't tell anyone.  I have to fight the boredom somehow!  It hasn't been a huge issue yet, but I'm sure it will become one.  I have been piggybacking off my neighbor's wireless and all of a sudden it is secured again.  Now that I am without internet at home (unless I break down and buy my own, but who wants to do that?) and I am not able to go on Facebook at work, major withdrawals will ensue.  I also received, in a addition to the mass email that was sent to everyone, my own little personal email regarding tattoos in the workplace.  All of a sudden, they aren't ok.  My clothing and style needs to be more "work appropriate" and cover my ink.  I sooo wanted to tell them to fuck off, but as they ("they" being "the man") so eloquently put it, there are plenty of people out there that will gladly do whatever the fuck the bosses want and conform as much as necessary just to have a job.  School beckons.  It is screaming for me to come back.  I need to get over my fear of rejection and just email the counselor to ask if they will have me.  The worst thing that would happen is that I would have to go to a different (less adequate) school...which I really don't want to do.  I want to go to one of the best ones in the country, dammit.  Regret #1,341: Dropping out of school last year.  I will make it right, go back, work for myself, heal people, teach people how to heal others, and get as many tattoos as I damn well please.  The End.

That Witch Had it Coming.

I am currently sitting in my messy bedroom, finally feeling like I can form a complete sentence.  I had a conversation with myself today, for probably the thousandth time since high school, cursing the fact that I drank too much and how I hate being hungover.  Why is it that when you're partying, the thought "Gosh, I better stop.  I'm going to feel like shit tomorrow." never comes up?  It doesn't for me, anyway.  Tequila is not my friend.  Honestly, all hard liquor is my enemy and certainly seems to take its toll the older I get.  I went to that adult Halloween party last night and had a great time.  My witch costume turned out to be as spectacular as I'd hoped, I only knew one person there but still had fun, drank too much, fell out of my friend's truck backwards (my ass hurts today), and puked in her bushes on the way inside her house to pass out.  Poor thing...I became the drunk person that you have to take care of.  She deserves a medal.

My thoughts are wandering a lot today.  A few blogs ago I sent out a message into the universe (mainly in a joking manner) that I would "be good" if I was sent a great guy.  Somehow, some way, that half prayer half joke was answered.  I almost can't believe it, but am so thankful at the same time.  Sailor Girl made a joke about calling him Mr. Amazing, but I actually think he's earned it.  I don't know how he'll feel about that, but it just seems fitting.  We met at Starbucks on Thursday, then he surprised me by taking me to Color Me Mine to paint pottery.  It was the best first date I've ever had.  After, as we were talking I didn't really want to leave.  I wanted him to kiss me and I could tell that maybe he wanted to as well, but was being somewhat shy about it.  I was too!  But as I got into my truck to go home, I knew that I would kick myself for not getting a kiss.  I put the truck in park, got out, went up to him and just did it.  He said the next day that he was trying not to smile as I kissed him.  Never have I felt so instantaneously comfortable and happy around someone.  As a natural introvert, there is always a period of awkwardness that I have to get over, but I didn't feel any of that.  It didn't have anything to do with the fact that we had talked and emailed prior to our date...I don't know what it is.  I judge just about everything on how it makes me feel and just thinking about him brings a smile to my face.  And he feels the same way!  Mr. Amazing thinks that I am amazing...and beautiful and sexy and that he is lucky.  I think I might be the lucky one.  We were supposed to see each other today, but my hangover led to that being cancelled.  Throwing up is not usually something that I like to do on a date.  So, I'm supposed to go over to his place on Thursday and watch a scary movie.  Thursday can't come soon enough.  I want another kiss.

Chickens are scared of thunder.

Thunderstorms are in the Top 10 of my favorite things.  Honestly, I'm just throwing a number out there.  I have many favorite things...it is really hard to number them all.  Even a small insignificant thing that I like just a little bit becomes my favorite.  My emotions are extreme in some instances.  But the thunderstorms tonight!! Oh my god, they were wonderful! (see my use of exclamation points?)  At one point, as I was walking through my bedroom, a HUGE crack of thunder actually caused me to shriek, jump back away from my window and into the wall.  I hurt myself.  It was awesome.  I've never actually done that before.  Either I am getting old and my reflexes are not so hard core or I was distracted.
Ok...I was distracted.  In a good way!  I was talking to the guy that I met off of the dating website...the one that has yet to be named. (Maybe that will be his name..."One Who Has Yet to Be Named" No. Too long.)  I cannot think of a name for him!  That is bothering me!  He so deserves more than a letter.  Anyone who makes me laugh like he did deserves more than a letter as a fake name.  We're going out Thursday and he already has something up his sleeve.  "It's a surprise". That makes me smile.  I really like surprises.
I'm having a bit of a dilemma, though.  He is also a blogger.  It is inevitable that we will write about each other...we already are.  When I read about myself in his blog, it's almost like I am reading thoughts that are private that I shouldn't see.  I don't want him to feel uncomfortable about writing (or venting, if needed) about me and the fact that I will see it.  Knowing myself, I will probably censor what I write about him because I know he reads what I write.  I guess I should just stop over-obsessing about it.  I'm going to try. It does bring a smile to my face when he writes about me.  I'm excited to spend time with him.
(Him, him, him.  He needs a fucking name!)

I am really going to have a busy weekend.  Date on Thursday, happy hour work thing on Friday after work,  costume party on Saturday night, and a baby shower on Sunday night.  Whew!  Who wants to bet on whether I make it to the baby shower Sunday?  I want to go, so I must.  My PJs and couch will surely be calling to me.
I am super stoked to go to the costume party on Saturday night!  I can't wait to get dressed up and see my costume put together.  I found the greatest witch's hat.  I just need to get a few things for finishing touches.  Broom or no broom?  I'm not sure yet.  I think a broom just makes it that much better.
We'll see.  I still have to figure out what I am wearing to Sailor Girl's prom-themed birthday party.  I have a month for that still.  I'll end up waiting until the last minute.  I usually do.
Ok, now that I've basically just started spitting out the "to do" list in my head, it might be time for bed.  I am actually sleepy.  I had a great day and hopefully tomorrow will be the same.

There I go again, thinking I can have a social life.

Have I ever mentioned how great being a single mom is? NO?  Hmmm.  That's odd.

I was invited to an open bar event tonight.  Three hours of free drinks with a fun adult person.  Actually, SportsBabe is a friend of C2.  We've met and vowed to hang out, but have yet to have the chance.  So tonight I get a little IM, saying that I needed to be ready for an open bar at 7.  It just happened to be at a casino right around the corner from my house.  It would literally take me all of 2 minutes to get there.  I looked around.  I have Mini Me.  Just as I was about to respond, "I can't go", Mini Me busted through the front door stating that she was spending the night at her friend's house.  REALLY?!  This can't be happening.    Is this really happening?  I told SportsBabe that I would be there, hurriedly helped MiniMe pack up her things and her sleeping bag, sent her on her way, and hopped in the shower.  "Holy CRAP! I'm going out!!", I thought to myself.  I was way too excited.  It turned out to be my downfall.
I was getting ready to walk out the door and I saw Mini Me's things by the front door.  She obviously got a little over-excited a bit too early and her plans got ruined too.  Her friend said she could spend the night without actually asking first.  Mini Me confirmed that she was not spending the night when I found her playing outside.  "Go to your party, Mom.  I'm old enough.  I'm 8!  I'll be fine!", she told me.  I will admit that for a split second, that little evil version of me whispered in my ear that she was right.  I shook it off.  I turned around and walked back inside, actually fighting back tears.  I had a really difficult week.  I actually went without power for most of it.  I honestly cannot believe I am admitting that, but it's not like I am the only person on Earth that has ever dealt with it.  The power company was being a jerk and wouldn't give me a few extra days to pay my bill.  It's back on now.  It actually got turned back on as I was getting ready to go out.  It wasn't the end of the world not having electricity, but it really didn't make for a stress-free week.

I needed this free night out.  I needed fun with adults.  New adults.  Adults I have never spent time with.

So, now I am sitting on my couch, venting with my blog, in a fabulous strapless ensemble.  My ass looks amazing.  Maybe I'll go to the grocery store in this outfit, grab some wine, then come home, change into an oversize tee and watch Ghost Adventures.  That sounds so fun I can hardly stand it. (obviously, this is sarcasm)

I know one day I'll be able to have a life.  Mini Me will soon be spending time away on the weekends with her friends, just like Little Man does.  I'll have all the free time in the world and I'll be venting about how much I miss my babies and want to spend time with them....or not.  I literally missed my twenties.  I was in a relationship at 19, a mom at 20, and a mom for the second time at 23.  I left my ex a month shy of my 29th birthday.  I am ready to experience my single life and feel like I still have not been able to fully.  By the way, how the fuck am I supposed to keep a man when I can barely get out of the house to go on dates???!!  I'm sad.  I'm frustrated.  I need a hug...or at least a cuddle partner of the opposite sex to watch my show with.  :sighs:  This sucks.
I'll get over it.  I'll have a little to drink, I'll stalk people on Facebook that I hardly know, and watch cool shows about ghosts.
Damn. My boobs looks fucking great; it's a shame.  They really deserve to be looked at.  Sorry girls...another night.

Sidenote: I got a voicemail from my sister, Tattooed and Organic (hehe. I love that name).  She says that you know you're old when you go into Hot Topic looking for a Slayer and Iron Maiden T-shirt (of which I want both) and all they have are Justin Bieber and Twilight.  Isn't that the truth?  I used to be the cool person that shopped there...now I am the old broad that shops there.  Which is why I don't shop there.  Anyways, it made me smile and thinking about it is making me feel better already.

I love to know you.

I think I crossed the thin line over into desperation.  I, the El Pollo Loco, put a profile on an online dating website.  I did.  I had vowed earlier this year to never do that again.  I tried it before and all I got was an endless string of emails or texts asking me for a picture of my boobs and a few dates that went absolutely nowhere.

I was bored, though...and it was a site that I had never tried, so why the hell not.  I filled out the questionnaire, answering questions about my height, the dreaded "body shape", what I'm doing with my life (which totally freaked me out), and other miscellaneous things.  I did a pretty good job.  Of course, the current profile is probably the 10th version or something ridiculous; I've edited it endlessly.  I still can't really decide if I like this whole process or not.  It completely plays with my mind and honestly, there are slim pickins as far as decent men are concerned.  There are also various questions that are answered, which gives you a Match, Friend, and Enemy percentage on each person.  Enemy??  Couldn't they come up with something else?  What exactly am I supposed to think when someone is, for example: 90% Match, 79% Friend, 12% Enemy??  Someone explain this to me.  They also compare personalities on graphs that you can peruse...just to make sure you're making the correct choice of partner.  It always lists me as the kinkier one.  I laughed.  I am expecting a barrage of messages based just on this.  It's probably correct anyway.  Maybe I am just more honest and open when it comes to talking about sex (let's use this blog as an example, shall we?).

We are on day 3 or 4 or something of me completing my profile.  I already found this one person that I really liked, messaged, and he didn't write me back.  Yet.  "Yet", I say to myself.  Let's be positive about this.  It is kind of difficult to be positive, when I already came across the traditional douches:

1.  Guy with some version of the word "crazy" as his profile name and a picture to match.

2.  The guy with no profile info except for a picture, who messages with, "You lookin' to get together?".

3.  The awkward person that message contains only the words "How are you".  No punctuation, no hello, no introduction of names.

4.  The foreign guy who says he works with the United Nations, can barely speak English ("I love to know you.  You are so sweet.  You have nice smile.").  Next, I'll be receiving an email asking me for money or something.  These guys scream scam to me.

5.  The guy that puts himself down in the first email and literally acts like he's not worth your time.  "Well, I'll let you go and read something that is actually interesting."  And he wonders why he can't get a date.

6.  The guy who states in his profile that he is good at "plan of attacks".  I take this to mean he either plays D&D or WoW.

I did get a few messages this morning, with one being very promising.  We have already exchanged emails today and I gave him my number.  Is this slutty in the online dating world?  Leave it to me to be slutty.  He shall have a special name on this blog before long.  Hopefully he will be worthy of a totally cool name, instead of just a letter...
The other guys...eh.  Not too exciting.  One is 44.  I dated a 44 year old once.  He french kissed my ear and I was never the same (and not in a good way).

I need to change for you to like me? You can kiss my chicken ass.

At first my feelings were fucking hurt, but now I'm mad (honestly, I still feel a little like crap...but more mad than anything).
I knew something was up with C2.  He hasn't been coming to town, our emails/IMs have been sparse...and when we did talk, the conversation was lacking.  This is my fault (so I've been told).  He was testing me.  What the hell is up with all the tests lately??  We were IMing last night.  We got into a conversation about social interactions, which I now believe I was led into.  Towards what became the end of the conversation, he said, "I don't think I turn you on".  That came out of nowhere, I thought to myself.  I couldn't lie, though...it's the truth.  I don't think of him and get all crazy excited in my nether regions and I never have.  In fact, I have always felt slightly uncomfortable around him...now I realize it is because my sub-conscious picked up on the fact that this entire time he has been judging me.  He told me that I am too submissive and not "take charge" enough.  I don't initiate conversation.  I let him bring up a subject, then agree or disagree.  "This is our relationship", he said.  The only compliment he ever gave me was that I was a good lover (but apparently not good enough) and that I am smart (but I don't use it).  It was like a bad yearly review at a job.  Harsh mentions of my weaknesses intermingled with slight compliments.

Then he said he wanted to change me.

This was pretty much my expression.


He said that he has actively been trying to change me, but that it didn't look like I was ready to.  Like the fact that I am a quiet person is a horrible thing to be.  I'm sorry that I don't want to philosophize about life and the universe.  I want to do fun things.  And by the way...what the fuck makes you so great that I need to change my entire personality just to make you happy and able to stand being around me (he said that I had been getting on his nerves lately)?!  Nothing.  C2 is not that amazing.  He doesn't love me, he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with me...he just wants us to be more compatible in bed.  Which isn't going to happen if I am not attracted to him like I thought I would be anyway.  He doesn't even like to kiss!!!!  Why?  Because it is too intimate and emotional.  What?! 
I didn't go over all the things about him that I didn't like, but was overlooking...hoping that at some point he would make me feel comfortable.  We are just not compatible as a couple.  Now that I know how he feels about me...I don't know if we're compatible as friends, either.  Who wants to be worried the entire time they are with someone about whether or not you're "good enough".  Life is way too short.  I saw a line in a book once, where a character says, "I've given guys blow jobs because I've run out of things to say."  This cracks me the fuck up.  Obviously that isn't working with C2 and I anymore.  C'est la vie says the chicken.

I told him there are plenty of people in this world that like me just the way I am.



This is a test. It is only a test.

I am not religious and I'm not going to get into a debate over religion.  But...if I were...I would definitely say that God is testing me right now.  I would also occasionally say that Jesus probably drinks himself to sleep when he hears me talk the way I do, but that's a whole other story, isn't it?

So, I was given a test today.  After I just wrote a blog about holding out in order to find the right guy (namely a single one), I received a friend request from married guy on Facebook.  I accepted it.  I accepted a friend request from a guy that said some extremely colorful things to me during our first meeting, one of which involved snorting certain illegal substances off my inner thigh.  Stupid.  I got a private message this morning...very casual at first...along the lines of "How you doin' girl?".  I was surprised that he had even requested me, because he is overly paranoid about his wife finding out about his extra-marital activities.  I told him that in my response.  He wrote back that basically he was over it and had "been thinking about kicking it and has been craving a good time".  I'm sorry, did I miss something?  Am I an escort?  A hooker?  Of course, he offered no money during this transaction, so I guess that just makes me a whore, then??  I say that now, because I have some clarity.  At the time, when I was looking at the email trying to think of a response and he IM'd me...I went along.  We conversed.  We talked about sex...a lot of sex.  I won't lie and say it didn't turn me on.  It totally did - like biting my lip, squirming in my chair, thinking of sneaking off to the other room and taking care of myself turned on.  The heat from my loins was clouding my rational thinking.  He wanted to meet up...soon.  I didn't say no, but I am going to.  I am going to be the "tease" and change my mind.  The worst that will happen is that he will delete me as a friend on Facebook and will completely avoid me if we are ever in the same room again.  I can handle that.  I'm not willing, however, to find out what bad things will happen if we do get involved.  I will be the one who ends up getting hurt in the end, not him.  Like I said in my last blog, I am worth more than to be kept a secret.  I need a man I can do things with...that I can go in public with. A regular, normal boyfriend-type person.  Ok, maybe not normal.  I like things a little away from the norm (psst: I have someone in mind!), but come on!  Please, God or PBR drinking Jesus or Universe or Whoever...send me a real relationship and I promise I'll be good.  I promise I'll say no and pass this test.  There is no threat to my success other than my inner-slut emerging, and I can damn well control that little bitch.  I think.  I can at least subdue her until I find said boyfriend and unleash that minx on him...becoming the best girlfriend on Earth...ok?
Thank you, Amen, Namaste, Blessed Be and all that.

Thankfulness. Now that is something powerful.

I had written in my last blog that I got a huge dose of thankfulness the other week.  I try to be thankful every day for at least one thing.  Sometimes, we focus too much on the things we don't have or what isn't right in our lives...everyone is guilty of it.  The week before last I came across an article written by a woman who was a single mom and homeless. She had been evicted from her home and her and her two daughters lived in a mini-winnebago for six years.  Six years.  Work was the wrong place to read this...I fought back tears reading about this woman's struggles.
I have almost been there.  It is a very scary feeling when you know that you and your children might not have a place to sleep.

I might joke around a lot, talk about sex, and be silly most of the time, but I have struggled.  I've been on every government assistance you can think of at some point or another.  I have not known where my next meal would come from.  I have picked through change just to have enough gas to get to work.  I have stolen.  I have run scams.  I have sold things that were precious to me.  These are things people do when they are desperate.  These are things that people do when they are in a relationship with an abusive drug addict.  These are things I don't talk about, but should.  Luckily, I have finally come to a good point in my life. And I say luckily because sometimes I think it has been just luck getting me through. I have a great home, a great job, and I am stable now.  I may not have a lot, but I have enough...and I am thankful.

I had a great conversation tonight with someone (we'll call him "T" and no, he's not a romantic love interest) about hard journeys and realizing that they can be beautiful because of who they make you as a person.  It was meaningful.  Somehow, I think T was supposed to come into my life at this moment.  I am a firm believer in fate.  We talked about how neither one of us would go back and change anything that has happened in our life because it made us who we are now.  It's the truth.  He also brought up another great point during our conversation.  He said he was afraid to love again.  That is a real man who can admit that, not only to himself, but to someone else.  It made me think.  Honestly, it made me psycho-analyze myself like I tend to do.  Could I also be afraid to love again?  Absolutely.  When the last person that you loved hurts you...mentally, verbally, and physically for ten years...how is it not scary to love again?  I have a concrete wall around me that is virtually impossible to break down.  People chip away at it, but I don't know if it will ever actually be gone.  And just to get a little deeper into my psyche, my fear of being hurt is probably why I tend to date men who are not technically available.  No commitment, no love, no heartbreak.

It's time to stop that way of thinking.  After all, just like T says...it's the hard journeys that are the most beautiful.  Time to hold out and find that person that will love me back the way I deserve.  I am not a temporary fix to make men feel better about themselves.  I am worth more than a phone call at midnight asking to come over.  I am more than a secret to be kept.  I do deserve love and that person (whomever it is) has no idea the love that I am capable of giving back to them.  Because I will be thankful.

And here I was, thinking that the Chicken was bland.

I was all set last night to talk about how I was bland.  I believe I compared myself to a pale piece of boiled chicken on a white plate.  I never got around to finishing the blog, because I guess I wasn't supposed to.  Last night I may have felt boring, but I'm realizing now that I am just the opposite (even when I am not getting into trouble).

Today was one of those days where I got home, cracked my bottle of wine, and sighed.  Sighed not because I was tired and run down, but because I had a great day.  Work wasn't that crazy, I laughed (a few times), I had a major moment of thankfulness (which I'll actually write about in a separate blog), and I was ready to tackle the things that I needed to at home.

The things that made me laugh today:  In no particular order and by no means all of them
1.  There was an older woman who was freaked out about her HOA statement.  She called at least six times, each time complaining that she did not get a call back.  I would listen to her complaint, urge her to please leave a voicemail, then tell her that she would receive a call back by the end of the day.  At the end of the day, I found out that the only person this woman should be mad at was herself.  Each and every time she called and left a message, she neglected to leave her telephone number for a call back.  Idiot!

2.  I flirted with a little person.  I am trying to be PC here.  He happens to be a performer here in town.  I am guessing him to be at least in his late 30's, early 40's...I actually found him attractive.  It may have been the accent, it may have been the fact that he dresses well, it could be his manners...or all of the above.  The pervert in me was totally trying to picture how sex would be.  The mom in me wanted to pick him up and squeeze him and cuddle him, while telling him just how adorable he is.  Regardless, I proved to myself that I really will flirt with anyone.

3.  I called my favorite lingerie website this afternoon to place my order for my Halloween costume.  Yes, I am trying an exercise in confidence and wearing lingerie (to an extent) as my costume.  Sexy Witch.  The consultant that I talked with was so sweet.  We talked like we were old friends, I told her I had gift cards to spend...which brought up the reason I had gift cards.  I win contests on their Facebook page all the time.  I have won 4 total, including one where I actually named one of their new corsets.  They really should hire me.  While C1 and I were together, he actually won a contest as well and gave me his prize.  I spoke of him during the conversation with the consultant...to which she replies with a laugh, "C1?"(she actually used his name obviously).  She knew his fucking name!!  Those of you who are more familiar with who C1 is will understand what I mean when I say he was very active on FB.  Evidently, everyone at the main office of the website was weirded out about the fact that he was commenting on literally EVERYTHING on their FB page...statuses, pictures, responding to others' posts on statuses/pictures, other people's pictures that were posted on the page, and befriending people through the page.  I am now wondering if they got any complaints about him.  Anyway, we had a good laugh at the fact that him and I were no longer together.  She said they had been wondering what had happened to him...I told them that he stopped because he and I broke up.  "You're welcome", I said.  She laughed hysterically.  I have a feeling that our talk might be the story going around the office tomorrow.  I am also really happy that I get more stuff in the mail next week.  I got my latest prize pack today...it had some very cute pj bottoms, a tee, a velvet thong, and 4 pairs of stockings (the sexy thigh-high kind that need garters. cute!).

So, yeah.  I laughed today.  I was happy today.  I made no booty calls and had no sex.  I am making an actual effort to lead a normal sort of life (as normal as I can manage).  Less boys, more Chicken time.  That's the way it should be.  Of course, we have not approached the weekend yet, have we?  I've got First Friday this Friday night (I am taking Mini Me with me...we're going to check out some art), The Biggest Tattoo Show on Earth Saturday night with Sailor Girl (can't wait!), C2 is coming into town (I don't know what's up with that yet...), and I also have a play date with Little Man, his new school friend, and new school friend's mom (who, by my estimation is 45 at least).  Now that will be a story...newly divorced 45 year old who has never had a life of her own and just moved to town meets 31 year old, tattooed, wild child.  Wow. She won't know what hit her.  Maybe I should introduce her to my mother...